“Happiness is like a butterfly, the more you chase it, the more it will evade you, but if you notice the other things around you, it will gently come and sit on your shoulder.”
– Henry David Thoreau
What is the key to happiness…wealth, fame, professional achievements, influence? According to the Harvard Study of Adult Development, the world’s longest running scientific examination of happiness, it’s actually your connections with other people. More specifically, the warmth of those relationships is vital to both your long-term health and happiness.
The intersection of mind and body has been recognized for some time, but what shocked study director Robert Waldinger, MD, professor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School and psychiatrist at Massachusetts General Hospital, was the critical impact of the human connection. “We found that good relationships were the biggest predictor of healthy longevity, literally changing our physiology and decreasing risk of type 2 diabetes, arthritis, coronary disease, and other conditions associated with aging,” he says. The study began with a group of Harvard College undergraduates and boys from Boston’s poorest neighborhoods in 1938, and has expanded to include more than 2,500 people, including families of the original participants. Over time, other studies further illuminated how relationships shape health, says Dr. Waldinger, and have inspired current collaborations with researchers ranging from the Boston Veterans Administration to the University of Malmo in Sweden.
Still, the ‘why’ may be less understood than the ‘how.’ One hypothesis focuses on the stress-relieving nature of good relationships. “When something annoying or upsetting happens, your body goes into fight or flight mode (heart rate rises, breathing gets faster, etc.) to meet the challenge,” explains Dr. Waldinger. “Sharing your frustrations with a sympathetic person allows you to return to equilibrium, your body literally calms down. People who have a lack of connection or really acrimonious relationships don’t have that same stress regulation mechanism in their lives.”
Another area of study is what Dr. Waldinger whimsically refers to as the Tigger or Eeyore factor. “We all know Tiggers, who are almost always cheerful no matter what’s happening, and Eeyores who are down even when things are going well,” he says. “Other research has pointed to a happiness setpoint that is 50% genetically determined, 10% environmentally influenced, and 40% by intentional activity. We want to continue exploring ways to move the setpoint.”
Taking steps to improve the meaningful relationships in our lives may seem obvious but requires an ongoing and active commitment, says Dr. Waldinger. “It’s easy to take our relationships for granted – they become like the air we breathe – but people with the strongest connections reached out regularly and were intentional about making time for those people. It’s kind of a superpower they have that flies under the radar but is enormously important to enhanced well-being.”
Dr. Waldinger acknowledged the cultural assumptions surrounding the pursuit of happiness. “We’re all given the sense that if we just do the right things, earn all the quantifiable badges of achievement, we’ll be happy,” he said. “And when that doesn’t happen, many find themselves asking ‘is that all there is?’”
His sage advice: “Invest in relationships, connections and the things you find meaningful. You still may not be happy all the time, but happiness is likely to find you more often.”
The Quick Connection Exercise
Recognizing that many people feel they’re too busy or weighed down by obligations to take time for nurturing their connections, Dr. Waldinger suggests a simple exercise that makes a powerful point. “Making connections doesn’t have to be a heavy lift,” he says.
Here’s how you can improve a valued relationship in just three steps:
- Take out your phone.
- Think of somebody you haven’t seen in some time or that you’d like to connect with more.
- Send that person a text or email, saying, “Hi, I was just thinking about you, and I wanted to connect.”
“Find ways to do this every day and realize you may not hit a home run every time. But you will stay more current with more people in your life and build a bedrock of social well-being,” he assures.